And now, I scene from My Private Life:
This weekend was like any other. On Saturday, I woke at the crack of noon, wandered downstairs, picked up the newspaper and began going through my neighbors’ mail.
In my building, the postman opts to sidestep the entire mail-sorting process by simply depositing everything on the small metal table in the corner by the trash. Consequently, my neighbors’ mail is now my mail: It is where I get most of my magazines, love letters, social security checks, etc.
So, there I was, poking through Mrs. Jenkins Medicare Statement, when I came across the Hammacher Schlemmer Catalogue. For the uninitiated, Hammacher Schlemmer is similar to Brookstone–but kind of more insane, with products like “The Best Nose Hair Trimmer” and “The Advanced Robotic Vacuum With Wireless Command Center.” I knew at once, that I held in my hand a vital source of Strange and Obscure Speech Enabled Goodies.
Hiding the catalogue under my shirt, I pocketed Mr. Johnson’s “Congratulations On Your Retirement” Hallmark Card, legged it upstairs, locked my door and discovered the following:
- The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House
- The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis
- The Animated Emotive Robotic Companion
- The Always Current Talking Globe
- The Talking 14 Language Portable Translator
- The Hydrogen Rocket With Talking Tutorial
- The Voice Activated Thermostat
- The Talking Pet Bowl
And that is just scratching the surface.
So, in closing, let me just say this: I have placed my order. And it is only a matter of time before The Animatronic Singing And Talking Elvis and I are sitting at my breakfast table, discussing the economy and eating Rice Krispies out of The Talking Pet Bowl.
Thank you Hammacher Schlemmer. Thank you very much.
