Valentine’s Day is upon us with its candies, and flowers, and intimate apparels. Weathermen are forecasting increased chances of P.D.A. and traffic experts expect mad rushes of men careening at high and dangerous speeds in a wanton drive towards their florists, desperate for tacky bouquets of one dozen roses. Ah yes. A dozen roses: simple, regular, plain, expected—the kind of thing that says, “Sweetiecakes, I love you no different than anyone else might.”

How silly it seems to go through all that trouble for something so pat. I mean, come on. Is that what you really want? To subtextually tell your loved one that you couldn’t even muster an iota of creativity for him or her?

Hazard humdrummery no longer, Speech Heads!

Florists’ Transworld Delivery, Inc. (FTD) offers you speech-enabled “Say It Your Way” bouquets, the perfect gift for romancin’ that speechy dreamboat you’ve always had your eye on.

From their website, www.ftd.com, FTD will be allowing users to record their own personal messages, which will be transmitted via a “keepsake heart ornament” hanging around the vase.

You’ll be able to choose from three appetizing arrangements:

•Red and White Rose
•Red Rose
•Memorable Moments

I’ve already ordered one for that special Speech Girl in my life and I know my brother, Adam B., has got one ready for his. So what are you waiting for? Get to speechin’ lest your little darling be swept up by some speechier hombre.