And now, I scene from My Private Life:

This weekend was like any other.  On Saturday, I woke at the crack of noon, wandered downstairs, picked up the newspaper and began going through my neighbors’ mail.

In my building, the postman opts to sidestep the entire mail-sorting process by simply depositing everything on the small metal table in the corner by the trash.  Consequently, my neighbors’ mail is now my mail: It is where I get most of my magazines, love letters, social security checks, etc.

So, there I was, poking through Mrs. Jenkins Medicare Statement, when I came across the Hammacher Schlemmer Catalogue.  For the uninitiated, Hammacher Schlemmer is similar to Brookstone–but kind of more insane, with products like “The Best Nose Hair Trimmer” and “The Advanced Robotic Vacuum With Wireless Command Center.”  I knew at once, that I held in my hand a vital source of Strange and Obscure Speech Enabled Goodies.

Hiding the catalogue under my shirt, I pocketed Mr. Johnson’s “Congratulations On Your Retirement” Hallmark Card, legged it upstairs, locked my door and discovered the following:

• The Thomas Kinkade The Night Before Christmas Talking House
• The Animatronic Singing and Talking Elvis
• The Animated Emotive Robotic Companion
• The Always Current Talking Globe
• The Talking 14 Language Portable Translator
• The Hydrogen Rocket With Talking Tutorial
• The Voice Activated Thermostat
• The Talking Pet Bowl

And that is just scratching the surface.

So, in closing, let me just say this: I have placed my order.  And it is only a matter of time before The Animatronic Singing And Talking Elvis and I are sitting at my breakfast table, discussing the economy and eating Rice Krispies out of The Talking Pet Bowl.

Thank you Hammacher Schlemmer.  Thank you very much.

I’ve always had a thing for Brookstone: the weird massaging chairs, the digital corkscrews, the robotic towel racks, the jet-powered duvet covers.  I can still remember being dragged to the Clarksdale Mall by my Grandmother.  She would go off in search of “lady’s unmentionables” and I would wander around Brookstone and try not to get kidnapped.  Ah, memories …

Anyway, as one might expect, Brookstone has a large number of speechy items–some more practical than others.

Here is a sampling:

The Talking Pedometer

The Grill Alert Talking Remote Meat Thermometer

The Talking Blood Pressure Monitor

The Lingo Electronic Talking Translator

The Talking Photo Ball

Well, that is enough for today.  I promise that soon I will blog about something that isn’t a talking birdcage or a speech-enabled urinal cake.  Really.  It is going to happen.  Maybe tomorrow …