To say that the Coughing and Screaming Ashtray makes use of speech technology is a stretch, to say the least. But I couldn’t resist.

Basically, it’s just a creepy ashtray shaped liked lungs that coughs and screams whenever a cigarette is placed in its trough.

And, for some reason, if I look at it for too long, I start to feel depressed. Did i mention that it’s really creepy.

But today’s Friday and after last night’s VP Debate, creepy is all I’ve got for you.

Who is the fairest Speech Tech Staffer of them all?

Well, to be honest, it’s probably a tie between that broken swivel chair in the supply closet and my editor’s jade plant. In short: A pretty sad state of affairs.

But, why do I ask, you may wonder.

Well, while sifting through the vast Speech Technology archives (picture a slightly cleaner, but less exciting version of that warehouse from Raiders of the Lost Ark) I came across this: The Magic Message Mirror M30P from Themeaddicts Inc.

From the Themeaddicts website: “The patented ‘Magic Message Mirror’ looks and functions like a decorative wall mirror, but when your home automation/security system senses a change in your environment, ‘Basil of the Mirror’ (a somewhat pompous English Butler personality) magically appears and verbally provides real-time information. The M30P will also theatrically reveal an integrated live camera feed to show the area of interest, if you have cameras incorporated into your home security system, or decide to add them when you install the M30P.”

And check out this Basil of the Mirror Demo.

For all the technical specifications, you’ll have to go to the Themeaddicts website. But in the meantime, enjoy this list of Basil’s most popular messages:

• “Hmmm…most curious… it seems that we have a pedestrian approaching up our driveway”
• “For your information… a motor car has departed”
• “It appears that a pedestrian is exiting out of our driveway”
• “May I inform you that the motor car garage door has just been opened”
• “Pardon me, this is merely a reminder, but the motor car garage door is still not secure”
• “Will someone please greet our guests at the door!”
• “Ahh yes….. it seems the Jacuzzi is now at the selected temperature”
• “Pardon me, but isn’t it time to leave for practice”
• “Alarm! Alarm! The pool gate has been opened”